Where I have been

I haven't blogged in two days, except for that snippet this morning.  While my blog has been void for those two days my live has not been void of activity or emotions.  Just the opposite as a matter of fact.  Sunday was a day that was filled with negative thoughts and emotions, all coming from me.  Emotions and thoughts which built up one on top of another on top of another until a wall was built around me that nothing would penetrate. The wall had a suffocating strangle hold on me feeding me with even more negative thoughts and emotions.  No one could get through that wall with any thing other than what was already there.  I felt helpless to combat these and just sat down and quit trying.  But thanks to my husband I was not to stay there.  He took mighty swings at that wall and as he swung I tried to fill the holes he was creating.  But the holes were there and he kept working to make them larger. His efforts being stronger than mine, I couldn't keep up.  And eventually I to exhausted to keep trying.  Before letting me turn over and sleep in my exhaustion, Hubby prayed.  He held my hands, kissed my head and prayed over me and for me and us. After which I rolled over and slept.

But during that time a beautiful thing happened. That prayer filled the holes in the wall.  Not only filled the holes but broke away the remaining pieces.  And once the walls were gone, peace, understanding, and love filled me on again.  The most important part was love and acceptance for myself.

Monday was spent making changes in the way I felt about myself and working to change habits and routines that had fallen in to disrepair during the slow slide that resulted in Sunday's ultimate showdown.

Today things returned to normal, a new normal for me.  It will be a process, as all good changes are.  I am sure that there will be steps forward as well as steps backward.  But I feel assured that some of the biggest and hardest steps forward are made and I am working to build another wall.   This wall to keep me from sliding back into that deep dark place once again.