In which I remember an anniversary

17 years ago the calender was the same as this year.  meaning that February 20th was a Sunday then too.  So it fits very well that I remember this anniversary particularly tonight.

Friday sitting in class, I wrote his name in the margin of my class notes,  one more wish, one more prayer that maybe he would change his mind, maybe he would come back, maybe after these 4 awful lonely months he'd figure out he'd made a horrible mistake for the last time and he'd come back to me for good.  To someone that loved him and wouldn't ever think of leaving and hurting him like he'd been hurt before, like I was sure would happen again.

After class that Friday, I'd go back to my dorm room and see those beautiful roses.  The ones with the card that said "No Signature Requested". I knew who I wanted them to be from, yet I also knew who my heart told me really sent them.  They really were beautiful, and that anonymous card gave me more permission to dream.  I had no obligation to be thankful.

That was Friday.

This was Sunday.  I was singing with our student ministries group that night at a local church.  He was in the group.  Not the first he,  but HIM.  I kept all personal conversations between me and HIM centered squarely on the he I was missing so.  HE  patiently listened and didn't try to change my mind about him or anything else.  We were back at the Student Center after the concert, relaxing and watching a movie.  Free Willy to be exact.  Sitting side by side on the sofa we got into the movie.  I don't remember if it was the first time I had seen it or not, but was our first time to see it together.  HE reached up and laid his arm across the back of the sofa behind my head.  I didn't think about it at first,  but as HE slowly inched it closer I surprised us both by reaching up and taking his hand.  Little did I realize that that one move would become the start of something that is still going strong this day.  Seventeen years later.

The Best Gift

The perfect gift for me would be something I am working on giving to others, including my children or especially my children.  Unconditional love.  And by that I mean loving someone enough not to try to change that person into what you would have them be, or think is best for that person.  But loving a person enough to let that person be who God created them to be.  Even helping and encouraging that person to become that, even if it isn't the safe picture that you have envisioned for them. 

I grew up feeling loved, never doubting that feeling.  However, I was also always trying to live up to the perfect projected image that others had for me.  And when I wasn't living up to that image I felt disappointment hovering just below the surface of that love.  In some cases this disappointment was justified, but I had to find it out for myself, had to work through it myself, not because someone else said or 'knew' better.  However in other cases that disappointment isn't justified and it hurts to still feel that disappointment lingering just under the surface.

To be fair, not everyone in my life has been that way.  There are those whom have loved and accepted me unconditionally without trying to project me in an image they have for me.  The only change in my life these people have spurred is that has come from the inward need to change to live out God's plan for my life.  Sometimes that change has been hard, and in one specific instance that person had to bow out of my life for an extended period of time to allow me to see and realize that.  But it has always been for my good.

That is my perfect gift.

Day in Pictures

Wordless Wednesday today will be a Day in Pictures

 9 am 

 10 am

11 am

 12 noon

 1 pm

 2pm

 3pm

 Snow Bot!

Shopping and Life

Today I went shopping.  It was supposed to be a quick trip.  It turned out to be longer than that.   It was a varied shopping trip.  I found yarn for Pumpkins afghan I am working on.  I found scrapbooking supplies for a project that I will be working on this weekend.  I bought birthday presents for my Little Man, who will be a year old in less than a week, I bought Valentine's for the older kids that they want to share with people.  And I bought the essentials needed for the storm that is expected here in the next few hours, you know milk, yogurt, tissues, paper towels, cereal that sort of thing.  And I made sure that I had gas in my van.  Why does one do that?  Make sure they have gas in their vehicle, even though they don't plan to leave the house for the next two days?  What good is that?  But I did it anyway.  

As I look back at my trip, which took a lot longer than I thought it would, I realize that kind of outlines my life lately.  Do a little bit here, a little bit there, a little bit over here, and something else that everyone else is doing that really doesn't make a lot of sense, but I do it anyway.  I need focus, direction, a plan.

Well I do have a plan,  one kind of like my plan for today's trip.  A grand plan in mind that once it is in the works is taking shape a whole different way than I imagined.  Because I didn't sit down and think it through very well to begin with.  I jumped into the trip with a half thought out idea.  

Now I give myself a bit more credit with my plan.  I have sat down and listed goals for the month.  But it is already the 9th and I haven't gotten very far with them, other than thinking about them.  So tomorrow (or later today, after I've slept) I am going to sit down with my Feb goals and get some of them mapped out on my calendar.  Because if I don't, it won't get done.  

Goals for February

I have finally decided to begin some blog posts while I am thinking on them and then I can tweak them and publish as I need to.  This one I will work on my February goals.  The first two of which are to learn to spell February without having to spell check it and then to publish this on Sunday February 6th.

Now for my real goals.

Spiritual Development

• First of all start each day with prayer with the Handsome Hubby, 
• Continue to make Bible reading and discussion a priority each day. 2 passages memorized,
•  Read Let Us Pray by Watchman Nee and Grace Abounding by John Bunyan that are on my Kindle

Household Maintance

• Make lists of menus for Breakfasts, Lunches, and Dinners  As well as list of snacks to have on hand.  These will be lists of menus that the family all enjoy eating.  That way I can plug them on the calender to make monthly or biweekly menus.  It will also help with grocery lists and shopping.
• Make chore charts - daily and weekly - for the kids and mom.
• Deep clean and purge the kitchen, pantry, and living room, including the lr closet

Education

• Start prepping the two that have to take the standarized test in April
• Map out goals for finishing the year strong ~ written plan for each child

Personal

• Decide on some weekly topics for the blog - I am already doing the "Week In Pictures" posts on Saturday.  Decide if there are other themes/topics I might want to do.
• Plan and work on stocking my Etsy storefront, plan marketing ideas
• Finish up the Anne books!

Week in Pictures

 Little  Man is now walking everywhere.  He also gets mad when we place barricades between him and where he really wants to go.

 This is what we woke up to this morning.

 I received a fabulous package from a swap partner this week.  The them was "All About Feet"  My favorite part, Learn to Crochet Socks book!

Bug and Buddy working together on a story.  Buddy was the author and Bug is working on the illustrations

Friendships

I have thought a lot today about friendships.  Who one calls a friend, how friendships happen, how one interacts in circles of friends.  All of these things have ideas have been stirred around in my mind.  Into the mix I have also stirred my own experiences and observations.

There are many types of friendships; acquaintances, casual connections, comrades, and close personal friends ~ those are my names for them.  Others may use different or have different levels but that isn't important, what is important is that there ARE levels of friendships. For each level you must give of yourself differently.  You must also receive differently.  What starts as a casual connection could possibly lead to a close personal, or even intimate friend.  However not all do, nor should all progress.  Each relationship has a place, some even a season in our lives.  Trying to push a friendship into areas which it should not go, is painful and destructive.  It can end the friendship completely and/or hurt the people involved in many ways.  However, holding oneself in reserve and not allowing yourself to contribute to a friendship destined for so much more, not only hurts all involved but denies you of having the benefits of that friendship.

I myself have many casual connections I have made over the years.  Those connections are great for a smile here, a laugh there, even encouragement from time to time.  However, they can slip on and off my radar very easily, and no feelings or emotions are tied to that.

Comrades are closer, and a somewhat smaller group.  Again there is a little more investment on my part and theirs as well.  They require honesty all the time, and openess up to a point.  When one of these friendships runs into trouble there is more invested in righting the wrong. Or more sting when the end comes.

Close personal friends, this is the tightest, and smallest group.  Few get this status,  fewer still keep it for a lifetime.  It involves the most intense work, but provides the greatest rewards.  But for this friendship to last both parties must invest deeply in it.  They must be vigilant about their work.  But these friendships are the most trustworthy, the most time honored, and the most likely to last of be renewed.  And the sting is the greatest when there are problems or endings.

Be Intolerant

Jesus was intolerant, He said "I am the Truth, the Way and the Life, NO ONE comes to the Father but by Me" (John 14:6 emphasis mine). No matter what anyone says there is no way to Heaven but through the Son of God Himself.  Even if you don't agree with it, your opinion doesn't change the Truth.

Yarn Pretties

Just thought I would show off several of the things I have made in the last year.  

All of these have been gifts or in the case of my socks are used currently

Next week I will show off some of the WIP's (Works In Progress) I have.

 Purse made for my SIL upon her Natrualization

 My first crocheted sock

Pumpkin's birthday scarf last year

 Pumpkin's best friend's birthday scarf last year - modeled by Pumpkin herself.

Set of Christmas discloths.

Where I have been

I haven't blogged in two days, except for that snippet this morning.  While my blog has been void for those two days my live has not been void of activity or emotions.  Just the opposite as a matter of fact.  Sunday was a day that was filled with negative thoughts and emotions, all coming from me.  Emotions and thoughts which built up one on top of another on top of another until a wall was built around me that nothing would penetrate. The wall had a suffocating strangle hold on me feeding me with even more negative thoughts and emotions.  No one could get through that wall with any thing other than what was already there.  I felt helpless to combat these and just sat down and quit trying.  But thanks to my husband I was not to stay there.  He took mighty swings at that wall and as he swung I tried to fill the holes he was creating.  But the holes were there and he kept working to make them larger. His efforts being stronger than mine, I couldn't keep up.  And eventually I to exhausted to keep trying.  Before letting me turn over and sleep in my exhaustion, Hubby prayed.  He held my hands, kissed my head and prayed over me and for me and us. After which I rolled over and slept.

But during that time a beautiful thing happened. That prayer filled the holes in the wall.  Not only filled the holes but broke away the remaining pieces.  And once the walls were gone, peace, understanding, and love filled me on again.  The most important part was love and acceptance for myself.

Monday was spent making changes in the way I felt about myself and working to change habits and routines that had fallen in to disrepair during the slow slide that resulted in Sunday's ultimate showdown.

Today things returned to normal, a new normal for me.  It will be a process, as all good changes are.  I am sure that there will be steps forward as well as steps backward.  But I feel assured that some of the biggest and hardest steps forward are made and I am working to build another wall.   This wall to keep me from sliding back into that deep dark place once again.

I have been quiet for two days

I know, but I do have a post for later today that may explain some of that...  Stand by..........